imperfect action
You don’t figure out a life, you do a life.
I often go back and read parts of my book that I forgot I wrote, like basically the whole entire thing; I came across this paragraph the other day and I wanted to share.
It’s impossible to tell what you will miss the most when they are all gone. We all try to be so perfect, but it’s the imperfections I long for. I miss the way my grandmother snuck cigarettes every time she walked the dog for my entire life. I miss my mother walking around in just a t shirt. I miss having tantrums. I miss my mother crying at the country club on the Fourth of July. I miss the way my grandmother said for Christ's sake when she was angry, the way she farted and then turned around like she was mad at her own fart. I miss my mother reading to me over dinner about a historical site we had been to just hours before, while I said, I know mom, I was also just there. I miss everything, that’s what no one tells you. No one tells you that you turn into a black hole of miss that nothing can ever quite fill. So now instead of you and a family, it’s you and Little Miss Black Hole of Missing. The two of you make breakfast, go to the post office, and sometimes, on special occasions, go to amusement parks. But I am getting ahead of myself.
None of us are perfect, that’s not even an actual thing; we just get to be us, individual snowflake ass us. I made this video, as promised. I promised you, but I also promised myself, and it is my experience that I grow and sprout flowers when I actually do what I say I am going to do. Sometimes it’s a mess, or I hate it, or I look at it and think, maybe plastic surgery soon, maybe you shoulda stayed in bed; sometimes, because I did it, I realize it’s not what I wanna do at all, but I have to take the action first.
I also want to figure out all the steps before I take them, but that’s not how adventure works. Adventure requires that we are present, that we make mistakes, that we start from where we are, and walk in one direction. Someone emailed me recently asking what I was searching for in my writing, and I don’t think I can answer that, but maybe I can answer some of it. I am searching for a safe enough way to feel really alive, to feel really myself, to help others without losing myself. I don’t know, maybe an adventurer never knows what they are searching for, maybe it’s just those little moments of sparkle where you feel held between the sun and moon, the earth and sky and anything is possible. Maybe it’s when being yourself feels like the best place to be. I don’t know.
So, without further ado, here is the first video about the nervous system, as promised. I tried to be honest and share what I know. I hope one thing I say helps one of you.
Big kiss and giant hugs,
Jen
Art Hannah Rose Dumes,, above and in video.
