like how you are
Have you ever had a crush? If the answer is no, stop reading this immediately, get in your car and go get yourself one. Crushes are amazing! Remember the first time you looked at someone and thought, oh my god, I think this person is gonna change my life; the twelve year old boy at morning meeting playing with the strings of his navy blue hoodie, the super hot waiter at Deli Haus who later went through an unfortunate Sitar playing period, the weird drunk guy in the oversized tie dyed t shirt playing softball, the artist, the guy who sits at the crowded bar and journals. It didn’t matter who they were, only that something inside of you suddenly felt filled with sparkles, and possibilities circled you like little Tinkerbells. You felt alive. You found yourself wondering, what do they eat for breakfast, where did they get the striped shirt they wear four times a week, do they like music, do they laugh with their friends, and do they ever think about me? You are dumbed by desire.
I am talking about My So Called Life Claire Danes speechless at the site of Jordan Catalano slow walking down the hallway in that brown jacket with the filthy faux fur collar crushes. I am talking about her total utter fascination when she asks him, Why are you like this?, and when he says, like what?, she says, like how you are. Never breaking eye contact, the linoleum beneath her feet just a small reminder of earth. Me and my best friends on our parents landline cordless phones screaming, did you hear that? Acting it out for weeks, months, remembering it until we die.
But really, it’s her love for him that makes him great; Jordan Catalano isn’t really that great, he maybe can’t read, he’s a terrible communicator, never once says anything interesting at all, and at the end of the day he’s just Jared Leto, a middle aged actor who has a band and a string of unpleasant allegations against him.
Not all crushes are duds, the boy with the navy sweatshirt saved my life, but here’s my question, what if we also turned all that love on ourselves? What if you showered that much curiosity, hope, devotion, and time on yourself? What if you thought you were the one who was going to change your life? What if you looked at yourself with crush colored glasses? What would be different in your life? What would be different about the way you felt about yourself? What dreams would you let yourself dream?
One of my best friends created a fake questionnaire to send to the cool, quiet boy she had a huge crush on. She literally typed up some questions on her dad’s PC, said it was from the Rhinebeck Chamber of Commerce, and then hand wrote in teenager handwriting on a stamped return envelope addressed to me, Jen Davis, Rhinebeck Chamber of Commerce at my address. AND HE WROTE BACK!! He wrote back. I have never been so proud of a friend, and it feels pretty obvious why she is one of the great loves of my life! Imagine what you would accomplish if you took this zest and applied it to your own life?
I don’t care for the term self love. I find it overwhelming, and it’s been used so much it’s kind of lost it’s meaning. I have added it to the list of ego, boundaries, toxic, gaslighting, narcissist. There are universes that reside in all these words, and we turn them into disposable paper towels; we use words like we are trying to clean up spills inside ourselves. But wait, also isn’t that cute that every word contains a whole universe. OMG I am so excited about that!!
I like self regard. Regard means to consider, look at, or esteem someone/something in a specific way, or to pay attention to them. It means slowing down and looking at something, taking our time, savoring. Just slowing down is an act of self compassion, the nervous system runs six times more slowly than the thinking brain, so slow down, integrate yourself, regard yourself with the enthusiasm of watching Jordan Catalano walk down a hallway!
You are worth the life you dream about. That is the first step in creating that life, knowing that it is yours. It is already yours because the dream exists inside of you. You came here to realize that dream.
I recently went to Godmother’s Bookstore in Summerland. I love it. It is one of my biggest dreams to sit down with the owner on one of their Sunday night talks, reading from a newly published book. I went last Sunday to hear Geneen Roth speak about her new book, Love, Finally. The night was filled with magic. The room was overflowing with love because of the work that Geneen has done for herself, not ON herself, FOR herself, and at one point she said, What else is there to do with life than to become free? OMG. She’s right!
We are all stories. Look around you, at coffee shops, airplanes; we are stories. We are always writing our own story. Life happens. We write the story about what it means, about who we are, about our limitations, and successes. You are a beautiful story. Every single person is a beautiful story. And let’s be honest, no good story is all positive; we need twists and turns, heartbreaks, and rebirth. We need false starts and big leaps. We need to cry, be angry, laugh, be so sad we can’t see a way out of it until one day there it is, our silver lining. We need all of it to write our best sellers.
Make your life a best seller. I love you.
Kind Regards,
Jenny
Pastel. Joan Mitchell. 1991.
