Power Tools
My friend Jeanne likes to joke that in one of our first conversations I said, and I quote, Being vulnerable is one of the most disgusting things you can be. And I meant it, my god I meant it. I was a latch key kid and once when I got home from kindergarten or first grade I couldn’t get the key out of the front door, and so I went and found some duct tape and I taped the door knob so that no one could tell it was there. Vulnerable, I don’t think so, not this kid!!
I spent much of my life prizing my ability to protect myself. I built my armor little by little out of junk yard defenses. I found a hard stare to protect myself from childhood monsters, a sense of humor for when I thought my heart would actually explode, a high intellect here, a drinking problem there. I was doing the right thing in protecting myself; I am worth protecting.
But what about that little gem that is actually me, the magic big open heart who wants things so badly and is afraid of doing it all wrong and has opinions and wants to know what it feels like to just be me in the world, what about her? I tried to hide her inside the sculpture of myself I built for the world. I carried a spray bottle for when she got out of hand, wanted too much, cried too hard, asked for stuff, told too much truth. Eh, back inside baby girl, back.
But then i had a reckoning. If you are lucky there is always a reckoning. Or if you are lucky you see the reckoning, and take it before it takes you. I was lucky. I saw a reckoning and I rode it to new life.
This is one thing that happened. I was about nine months sober, and a kinda shitty guy I knew called me and said, oh we were talking about you and I said you were doing great and then this person said, I mean did she really ever have a problem to begin with? I felt a knife cut right down my middle. I got off the phone and I started to bawl, like Good Will Hunting It’s not your fault bawl. I had spent so much of my life hiding how much pain I was in, how absolutely powerless, confused and vulnerable I felt on the inside. I only took my spazzy little inside muppet out with the people close close close to me, mostly my family, but sometimes others. I often felt like two people in the world and my body was getting tired from holding up the mask. Something big and scary inside of me wanted to be truly seen and whole. I wanted to be vulnerable and my fucking god, talk about being vulnerable!!
I called a friend and they suggested I write a prayer for vulnerability. I wrote this, and I said it on my knees EVERY NIGHT for a year and a half.
Universe. Please allow me the gifts of vulnerability and honesty. Please allow me to share my vulnerability and honesty with others so that both our hearts may open up to the grace of all your love and light.
This was where my conscious journey with vulnerability started, on my knees in a Silverlake apartment, and it changed my life. It started to open up the pathways to all the parts of me, to my authentic self. That was twelve years ago.
We need to grow our capacity for vulnerability in order to change, to grow, to dream, and to create truly fulfilling lives. And yet we live in a world that praises the outsides and penalizes the insides. When we crack we get shamed or told to glue that shit back together again. But like you’ve seen on one million instagram posts with touched up beach photos, the Leonard Cohen lyric, There is a crack in everything. That is how the light gets in. We are all aching for our authenticity, and we are terrified.
Vulnerability is our power tool!! The word vulnerable comes from the latin word wound; the word trauma also comes from the word wound. So, back to the cracks and the light, like Rumi said, The wound is where the light enters you. Your insides are your jumping off point!
Everything you want is on the other side of a path that REQUIRES you to be vulnerable, to not know the answers, the outcome, to keep going when it feels crazy to keep going; the break ups, the big moves, losing friends, losing parents, becoming a therapist, NOT being a therapist, asking for what I want, getting a dog, saying my needs out loud, asking myself and others for more, sitting in the not knowing, telling other people I don’t know the answers but I am willing to try anyway, and yuck gross ick telling people I need them. This is vulnerability strength training. It gets easier, and when we are more comfortable with allowing ourselves to be vulnerable we take more chances! And when we take more chances our lives grow and expand more than they deflate and stagnate.
And one last thing… The universe doesn’t respond to defense, it responds to openness. I mean, you actually cannot walk through a closed door. So as you are writing down all those manifestations and affirmations look alive cuz the crack is where the light gets in. So write it all down, but don’t forget to admit the little traffic jams that are piling up in side of you too, so the universe has somewhere to drive!
FOR FUN lol….
Write down the names of people that you TRUST. Start practicing telling them a small actual truth about your experience. Ask them to just listen and not fix it. Maybe it’s only one person, maybe it’s a therapist. Just start.
I love you
(insert touched up picture here JK JK)
Woman in reflecting light, Shannon Cartier Lucy
Check out her What I Loved Questionnaire from the very beginning here!
