3.2 MILES

3.2 MILES and the magic of getting out of your comfort zone

I swear this is the last of the horse content! I swear, but I can’t promise! 

When I was eight years old I went across the river with some local girls. One of those girls was a horse girl. The other girl told me a lot about all the ways I wasn’t good enough and sometimes she’d hit me. I don’t know how we got across the river. I can’t imagine there was much adult supervision, because I don’t come from a time and place where there was very much adult supervision. I was never a big animal girl, that wasn’t the kind of girl I was. I never wanted to be a vetrinarian or a marine biologist like the other girls who proved their early maternal instincts with animals. I loved my dog, dolphins, all things movie and stars, and my family. I wasn’t a horse girl; I was a Ozone from Breakin girl.

I can’t remember much about the horse. I remember it was a black stallion. I remember being violently thrown off the horse and into a barbed wire fence. Was my mother called? Was I hurt? I can’t remember, but I absolutely never got on a horse again. If I was feeling particularly brave I would get within a foot or two of a horse and one time I touched a horse on the face; imagine a toddler approaching a dog and petting it, it was pretty much like that. 

Sometimes when I was having daydreams of being brave I would picture riding a horse. I would picture this in the same way I would picture getting up at a karaoke dive bar in Texas and belting out Total Eclipse of The Heart or Wind Beneath My Wings. I wanted to be a girl who was afraid of nothing, but really I’m afraid of a lot.

I wanted to face my fear of horses, but I didn’t quite know how. But like always, Universe enters stage left. Do you wanna stay on the stage or get off? Be in the life play or go hide in the dressing room? You do have a choice, and I really wanted be in the play! 

I have to be at Esperanza Ranch in Topanga at 9am. That’s all I know. I know we are going to do something similar to Equine Therapy. I trust the woman who has set up this adventure. When I get the email saying that we are going to be working with horses I am secret excited. I do not email back and tell her I am terrified and secret excited. I just say I will be there and tell her what I want for lunch. 

When I wake up that morning I have a stomach ache. I wonder if I have a fever. I think oh maybe I’m sick. I feel sad about missing it. I am not sick; I am anxious. My sweet sweet nervous system is always trying to keep me safe, she wants me alive and she works so hard. I love her and also I am going to get in the car and ride the los angeles morning traffic wave unitl I am there; I do this because I love her. I call a friend. I tell her I am a little scared. I am absolutely distracted by silmultaneously seeing a license plate that says RPNUTTZ and another that says DEEZ UU. They are driving side by side and I love this city so much. My friend and I can’t stop using Rip Nutz in sentences and now I am laughing and anxious and excited and so happy to be friends with my friend. 

The map says to turn right and the destination is 3.2 miles on the right. 3.2 miles up a winding mountain, brilliant spring growing back brighter after so much loss. There is nowhere to turn around even if I wanted to. I should also mention I am not a fan of mountains. I am uncomfortable, and filled with anticipation. I have no cell phone service. When all is said and done I will think about this drive up the mountain; I will think about the space between my fear and showing up anyway, this winding mountain road a perfect metaphor for my experience. 

I know, I know, I know, I wrote about giving the nervous system time and space last week, and I’ll probably do it again next week. Our nervous systems need time and space! Have you ever made a sudden move in a babies face because you thought it would charm them, and then they start sobbing and you have to hand them back to their parent filled with a liitle lame shame? This is what we do to our nervous systems! The 3.2 miles gave me time and space, the slow drive, the concious turning on of the sensations of sight, smell and touch. I was preparing myself, mile by mile.

When I get to the ranch it is stunning. A gorgeous tall woman walks out with a weinheimer. She says, she has to check you out to make sure you are okay. The dog sniffs me, circles me; I am okay, it turns out. I like this woman. I feel safe in her calm steadiness; she seems very competent, but I am still paying very close attention. We all sit on the deck and have olive oil cake and yogurt. The woman, Sabine tells us about how she fell in love with horses, how they were her protectors. There is an exuberant man as well. I like them. I say nothing about my fear. I do the thing I am used to doing - I act calm. I seem calm and confident. I seem steady - it is a trick of my survival system. 

And then it is time for the horses.

This is what I learned about horses. That you must approach a horse on the left side, because they have more sight on their left side and therefore are more able to orient. That horses are prey animals. Humans are also prey animals, but they are also predators, so just sit with that confusion for a while. The horse needs to know that I am safe? I would like to know the exact same thing horse.

I am feeling quite proud of myself after being asked to walk a horse down to the riding arena. I am still pretending to be brave, but I can feel my body begin to tense. I am afraid of the horse. We are walking so close together. When I get to the arena the exuberant man says, you see how you didn’t ask the horses permission, but just pulled him? I am too scared to really interact with the horse; I am still only pretending. My pulse is quickening. We are in the training arena, someone shuts the gate. The women is saying something. I can feel my heart start to soar to my throat. It is pounding. I am between two horses. I feel like I am becoming undone, but my smart body is making preparation to get the F outta here. She is amping up because she still thinks I am in danger. But I am not in danger. The woman is speaking. I suddenly say very loudly , I need to say something. She keeps speaking and again, but louder I say I need to say something. Everyone turns toward me and it all comes flying out of my mouth. I am very afraid of horses I say, this happened and I have never been near a horse since. 

I want to be very clear about something, TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE to a safe person or peoples is one of the fastest ways to regulate your nervous system. I also wanna say that having a regulated nervous system 100% of the time IS NOT THE PURPOSE OF BEING ALIVE, but I will get to that another time. I told the truth. I told the truth and the sweet kind competent woman walked over to me and she said, oh I never would have known. Thank you for telling me. Should took both my hands and held them, she looked me right in my eyes and she said you are safe here, my horses will not hurt you. I cried a little. I cried because I felt safe. I believed her and she was telling the truth.

Then I walked right up to Dominio the horse, Scared and vulnerable. I walked up to his left side and placed my hand on his face and I said, Hi. I’m Jen. Another day I’ll tell you about falling in love with this horse. Maybe I’ll even tell you what we talked about as I placed my stomach to his radiating heart. Maybre I’ll one day have words to explain the feeling that opened up within me as he followed me around because we trusted each other; a grouping of sensations and feelings of a kinda love I had never felt. As I drive the 3.2 miles down the mountain, I am in awe of this love, this feeling. I thought, OMG am I a horse person now? I went home and googled the horse. 

Tell me. What do you want to do that scares you? Your life is waiting for you on the other side of that fear. We don’t have to fling ourselves off buildings in Las Vegas like some kind of Bachelor one on one, we can take take the winding road turn by turn, we can befriend our nervous systems, we can do it with people we trust, we can say our truth, and we can take little leaps that send us soaring into the big blue sky!

#RPNUTTZ

xoJenny

photo Selcuk Danylidiz