B ROLL
Notes from Writing a Memoir
I am writing a memoir. Pause for effect… yes that’s right, a grief memOIR actually. I know, fancy! I wrote the first sentence on my first trip back to Hawaii after I had sworn her off. My mother had been dead six months. I felt like an astronaut who didn’t know if they would ever make it back to earth. That first sentence, those beautiful 17 words were my doorway back to earth. I have been writing this book for seven years now, or my entire life, however you wanna look at it.
On a recent trip to Kauai to write, I called my best friend and I said I quit the book. I’m not doing it. I hate it. It’s over, and she said, Okay, sounds good. I love you. She knows I cannot quit the book, and I know I cannot quit the book, because what we both know, is that I am writing this to save my life.
I constantly have to remind myself that it doesn’t matter if it’s any good, it matters that I am honest and that I do it. I hate feeling exposed and I love going to fancy grocery stores and buying snacks that I don’t actually want or need when I should be doing things that are truly nourishing. In other words, I love feeling pretend protected and empty nourishment, so rigorous honesty and action can feel like an absolutely shitty way to spend a day.
But when I actually sit down and start to write, my life starts to pour out in front of me. My friend said yesterday that she wants to believe that when she steps forward in faith the ground will appear, writing is like this. I also saw a post on instagram yesterday that said Rock bottom is some of the firmest ground you will ever stand on, and I have to believe that writing is also like this, because I have hit so many rock bottoms in this process. Be honest. Let the writing gods show up, but also I am the one with the hands; gods, hands, fancy grocery stores, faith, grocery store, word after word I am put back together.
The former psychotherapist in me cannot keep her little mouth shut lately about all the life lessons I am learning as I write this. The creative coach in me is drooling over the process like some kind of medication side effect. So here we are… at B Roll, notes from writing a memoir. I apparently cannot stop myself from baring my soul and I need a place to gather all this shit hard earned wisdom, because honestly I forget every helpful thing I’ve ever learned, until I remember again.
So.. let’s get into it, the creative process, the self compassion, the self hatred, the quitting, the starting again, the dissociation to embodiment and back again, the genius of the defensive structure, gods, trauma, and all the insane beauty and grace of a life unfolding before you. Sometimes my life feels like a summer blockbuster and sometimes a total flop, but it is mine, my life, my heart, my soul here on earth having gluten free pizza and writing blogs that I hope no one reads.
If the past is over and the future a dream, and my whole life actually exists in today, then I am willing to tell you almost everything. xxJenny
Photo by Martin Parr. Nice, France 2015
