Well, here we are. It’s 11:15am on a Sunday and I have no idea what to write. I tried to write something on a flight from Maui to LAX last night. It was called Doorways and it was about how I have no idea what god actually is, and how I don’t need to know, but I do need to know the doorways to god. What are my access points to a power greater than myself? But then I didn’t want to deal with everyone’s ideas about the word god, and I didn’t want to deal with over explaining that I am not talking about religion god, but my thing that I just call god based on years and years of studies and experiences ranging all over the map, and yadda yadda on and on. We have so many words that all mean different things to different people; these are just my words. Then I kinda blanked on the whole thing because I was on a plane and babies were crying, and I wanted to watch an episode of Love Story on Hulu; you should also do that.

But because I brought it up. I will say honesty is a doorway. If I only had one doorway, and obviously that would be a sad god if there was only one doorway, it would be honesty. Like telling a trusted person a true thing that feels a little scary to say, and not a friend who is going to give you advice or try and fix it, just a person who you love and trust who will sit with you while you form the words in your mouth and practice pushing the air of them into the world, and they just say I love you, and then let the honesty hang in the air like night blooming jasmine.

A few weeks ago I went into therapy and I talked about the horror of ICE for 15 minutes and then suddenly just said everything I had been afraid to say. I was like a burst pipe in winter, just gushing all the shameful things I was too scared to put into the narrative. My therapist looked at me calmly. I thought WTF is happening, but I am not going to stop because I’m tired of holding all this old junk. Then he said, well it’s so great that that is all making it’s way to the surface, and it’s way more organized than you think, or something like that. He certainly didn’t say, Oh jeez, you are way too gross and human to see next week, so nice knowing ya! On the way home I texted Tessa, wow I just let it rip in therapy. I was joking, but that’s what it felt like, like I ripped open another layer of my skin and said to a man I trust very much, look, look at this truth I hold about myself. I took it out and gave it some light so it could change shape. So that’s one doorway.

( And/ Also listening to someone else tell you their truth - doorway, but I don’t feel like getting into that right now.)

But I guess while we are on the topic, I will also share my favorite, and least favorite, way to walk through a portal to miracles, and that is taking care of business! There is an antidote to Fear, Fuck Everything And Run Fear, and that’s Face Everything And Recover. Face everything, like bills that need to be paid, parking tickets you got because you were in a rush and didn’t read any signs, drawers that need to be cleaned out, calls that need to be made where you have to tell someone they hurt your feelings and because you have 1000% Avoidant attachment you’d absolutely rather run and shut down to regulate the self than call and tell someone feelings on behalf of your soul. Those are some examples. But the examples are endless, call Blue Shield, get the CT Scan even though you think you are being dramatic, clean out the garage (seriously Jen, clean it out!), quit a job, get in your car and actually drive a couple hours out of town like you always think about doing; take the things in your head and heart and put them in the world, write the newsletter because you said you would. Face everything and you will find god, probably because god is everything and all that shit was blocking the flow. Clear your clutter, take care of your business, do the big ideas that might fail, because maybe the one right behind that was the one trying to get to the surface, apologize, tell someone you love them even when it’s not cool, do things not perfectly. Make space for the universe; the flow can’t get past that old air fryer you never used anymore than you can. Make space so that the universe has more wiggle room to help create a life that is bigger than your selling yourself short idea of a life.

There are so many doorways, but these are the two I turn to first, eventually, at some point, not always right away, but sooner and sooner.

And/ Also, I was just on Maui, and a new friend suggested we join her for the morning meditation and prayers at The Rinzai Zen Temple on the beach. I was nervous as we drove up, because it was a new thing, and what if I did something wrong or people looked at me?? I hate when people look at me. But we took it step by step, walked in, saw what to do and followed directions, and then I FELL IN LOVE, and got so sad that I didn’t live on Maui and I couldn’t come EVERY SINGLE DAY AT 7:30. I have an addictive personality, and if I like anything I want to instantly figure out how to have 1000% more of it. But I sat in meditation, and I just noticed. I noticed being retroactively sad that I wasn’t here all the many Maui mornings before this one, and then I just kept saying, but you are here now. Be here right now with all of this - that’s also a doorway - you are right here - the NOW is a portal to the rest of your nows. What’s that Emily Dickinson line… Forever is composed of Nows. So there I was at the Zen Temple trying not to grasp onto how much I loved and needed and felt washed in love at the zen temple with the waves crashing 100 feet away. Just be in this now Jen, just try, or at least remember and come back for a few seconds before you time travel again.

Then on the third morning Monk Sen’s topic was this… Forget about the fishing tackle. It’s the fish that is important. He told a story about the Buddha crossing a river with a raft, but then he puts the raft down and moves on, he doesn’t need it anymore, he already crossed the river. Buddha has no reason to be weighed down with the tools of the past. Beginner’s mind, new tools. We prayed and then this rainbow appeared outside the temple; rainbow tools.

We are all trying to itemize our toolboxes, but what if the answer comes from just asking the question, and then also listening to an answer? Or maybe it’s as simple as saying, I don’t know, or I need help, or show me, or remove my fear and show me how beautiful my life can be, or just putting down the raft and looking around like you’ve never been here before, in this brand new moment of you, you and the great big universe that holds you, shame and grace and all of you, all of us.

In summation, just keep going, I bet you are doing better than you think you are. In fact, I bet you are great.

xx Jenny