This summer, I’m 12
An excerpt from my book that may or may not make the cut, but serves my purposes here…
The twelve year old in me thinks maybe she is about to get everything she ever wanted, and honestly she wont shut the fuck up. I was brimming with confidence when I was 12. I wrote in my journal once that I was so confused about whether or not I should marry my boyfriend or Jordan Knight from New Kids on the Block. I was really torn up about it, like they were both waiting for an answer any minute now. Twelve year old me was unstoppable. But now I have spent decades trying to manage and control her expectations, and shit has gotten a little tense between us, she doesn’t trust me, and I don’t trust her.
A few years ago I basically forced one of my best friend’s husbands to take us all to see The New Kids on the Block at the Staples Center. I begged and begged, and then added, also I have to go backstage. This isn’t like me; I’m not the biggest fan of backstage and I hate asking for things, but another part of me had taken over, the twelve year old. My final impassioned plea went a little bit like this, I’ve had an incredible life. I have met incredible people, but if I could tell twelve year old me that she will one day be backstage at a NKOTB show, not a concert winner, but as a guest, then I will know my life was well lived. I mean he didn’t stand a chance against twelve year old me. We went and it was one of the best nights of my life, no joke. I dreamt about it for a week straight.
I didn’t have the easiest childhood; it was filled with addiction, mental illness, violence, you know, that kinda stuff, but ALSO it was filled with so much love, and all that love saved my life. All that love created a defensive survival structure that learned to grow toward the sun. I am like a little plant that loves to grow; bloom bloom bloom Jenny. ( An aside, when I am not blooming I feel like the world is closing in on me and like I am a total failure, so a PSA to remember that all defensive survival structures have a shadow side that is not to be ignored or it will consume your entire life like a strong wind! Anyway… ) When i was twelve I was at my best friend Kyla’s house, because I was always at Kyla’s house, and my mother called me on the landline to say, I just read this article that says if you have experienced any of these ten things (ACEs) you are likely to grow up to be a drug addict or an absolute mess. Then she said, you have experienced almost all of them and you are spectacular! I felt proud. I can still remember looping my finger through the coils of the phone cord, but I was still only a kid, and I would indeed go on to think I couldn’t live without alcohol and be an absolute mess, but a mess that got saved, restored to sanity, restored to the factory settings of Jennifer Renee Davis.
When I was twelve I knew exactly what I wanted and I had every confidence in myself and the universe that I would get it. I had a life ahead of me, and I knew that it would be spectacular, like a fireworks show filled with kisses and mini dresses from my very own clothing line. I look up the etymology of the word confidence, to trust, to have full trust in your ability to handle life and/ or faith that the universe has your back.
My life has been spectacular, but it hasn’t been the life I expected. I got bashed and thrashed around a bit by post traumatic stress disorder, by grief, and more loss than I ever planned for. At times, sometimes a long time, I’ve lost confidence in my self and in the universe, but the spectacular part is that they never lost confidence in me. Isn’t that so sweet? They were like friends sitting on the front porch just waiting for me to open the front door and come sit in the sunlight with them.
So many things happen in a life that cause us to lose trust in ourselves and the universe, so many things!!! For me, symptoms of PTSD came on like a wrecking ball in my life when I turned 14, 15 and started turning into a woman, and the world reacted accordingly. I was no longer safe. I was not safe in the world, and I was no longer safe in my own body. For seven years I felt like I had a war waging within me, and then it got better, and every year a little better, but only with so much work. I have done so much to regain myself in the world, so many modalities that I will not name them here. And I have had the privilege to pay for them and know what they are, and have access to them. Also wow, I was absolutely not going to go here, but I am not really in charge of where these things are gonna go, and so I’m just gonna go with it. I worked so hard to save my life, to retain my sparkle, and because of that I have been able to help so many people save their own lives, because I know how much it can hurt, and because I know it can be moved through, so have I had a spectacular life? You betcha!
I just came home from 51 hours in NYC. I went to see my boyfriend play guitar at Madison Square Garden. I am so proud of him. As I unpacked my bag I thought I am really having a 12 year old summer. I pulled out Inciardi mini prints from all over the city, scratch and sniff stickers from Haricot Vert, a sticker book and a print from artist Julia Rothman, some new Judi Rosen jeans, and a couple of books. I was exhausted and so happy.
Last week I sent out a zine celebrating one year of the Kind Regards, Jenny newsletter. The zine also features some incredible art from my dear friend Abbie Zuidema. We collabed and made 6 exclusive Abbie stickers to be included as a surprise! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH THEY ARE NOW ON EVERYTHING I OWN. I wanted it to be playful and also wise, to be filled with useful information on being human, having fun, and shopping, because this is my whole brand basically, like a pre teen on her 100th incarnation. My friend from college texted me when she got it in the mail, I feel like I’m in middle school! Perfect! Mission accomplished!
So let me ask you dear reader, what do you still need to heal to be yourself?
What do you need to face? What do you need to let go of? Can you just open the door and take one step out? Can you start by writing down what you are still holding even if it makes no sense or you have no idea what to do with it? Once in a session I referred to something as a client’s baby girl bad stuff, and nothing has ever made more sense. What’s your baby girl bad stuff that needs to be addressed? We aren’t one and done, but how can you make more space for your authentic self to shine.
Like houses we also fill with psychological and physiological clutter. We get stuck and don’t know how to get moving again. This is all part of being alive! Did you get stuck somewhere? Do you need to go back to therapy? Do you need to be more honest with your therapist? Do somatic experiencing? You should do that, it’s the mega physiological clutter clearer. Write down your story? You are allowed to let it all go and live in the present moment.
And here is the most beautiful part, my twelve year old never left me. She has been here the whole time, just waiting for me to walk outside so she can hand me my confidence back, and say, Oh I am so happy to see you! I’ve been waiting! Okay where to now? Let’s go show the world what we got baby girl!
I wish for you to be even more yourself this week! xxJ
Photo. Me at 12. With Abbie Zuidema sticker sneak peak!!!
